Hello again. It seems we meet every few months or so. No matter that you are uninvited, you still continue to show up unannounced and unwelcome. Again you remind me of how worthless my life has become. You make me forget what it feels like to feel joy and contentment. Instead you want me to feel sad, useless and a a burden to those I love.
I’m familiar with your tactics. I know how you lie to me. I also know that I will believe you and feel totally hopeless while you are here. It’s happened too many times to deny it. You like to remind me how few friends I have and how it’s no wonder since I am not a pleasant person to be around. You show me how ugly I am, inside and out. Together we think about all my mistakes, and shortcomings and how much better my loved ones would be if I didn’t exist! I hear you. I always hear you. I feel you, I feel the pain all the way to my core.
You overwhelm me to the point of feeling paralyzed. I want to get up and do things, be productive, and feel accomplished, but all I see is what I can’t do. It’s too much, too chaotic, too overwhelming. I get angry and turn the anger inward. I overthink and over feel everything.
Let me tell you this though, I’ve been here before. I know what to expect. I know that so far I have survived. You have made me realize how strong I am. Through you I have actually fought for my life and won! Through you I have found that I am not alone.
You will keep coming, this I know, but, I will keep fighting you. I will not back down and I now have a creative writing outlet. I will win!
D Jill Schock 